New life Divorce Coaching, October 29 2023
Divorce can be a dark, nasty, difficult, and emotional journey that many people find themselves on. It is a process filled with uncertainty, grief, and real life changes. One of the most crucial aspects of this process is having those challenging conversations that can be the turning point in your journey towards divorce. For you who are stuck, afraid and need the tools to know next steps to take – in this blog post, we’ll explore the importance of having those tough discussions and offer some guidance on how to navigate them.
Divorce is not a decision to be taken lightly. It often involves a complex mix of trauma (financial, psychological, verbal, pets & property), emotions, financial considerations, and the well-being of any children involved. A high-conflict and narcissistic spouse creates a whole extra component that causes deep-rooted worries about how to take the next steps. When a relationship reaches a point where separation seems like the best option, it’s crucial to have discussions with your partner. These hard conversations serve several purposes:
With your cycle of trauma in the relationship and patterns of abuse, your body learns patterns from the environment it has lived in. With undigested life experiences (trauma), it stays active in our systems. This is where you stay complacent in the relationship as it’s just “easier” to shut up and walk away from the conversation. Trauma is not the events, it’s what we carry inside as a result of the trauma as a stress response. When we stay in this pattern of stress response, we can not complete the loop back to a state of calm.
Your next steps are to find the tools to allow us to regain our power, to have the hard conversations, and to find the process to complete the loop in our nervous system back to calm.
Now that we’ve emphasized the importance of having these difficult discussions, here are some tips to help you navigate them successfully:
Telling your spouse that you need to separate requires a sensitive and empathetic approach, especially when their “Pain Points” include concerns about financial issues, co-parenting (losing their kids), or social standing issues. Being aware of their pain points while you communicate your need to separate may help your spouse to be more open minded. When they feel you are giving them something they want, this allows your best chance for a more amicable outcome.
Find a quiet, private space where you can talk without distractions. Pick a time when both you and your partner can focus on the conversation without external pressures. If this is not an option for you, then consider drafting it in an email, keeping in mind that any written correspondence between you and your spouse may end up attached to Affidavits as Exhibits. If in doubt, it may be wise to seek legal advice first.
Emotions can run high during these conversations. Try to stay as calm as possible. Avoid blaming or criticizing your partner; instead, express your feelings and concerns using “I” statements. “I” statements allow for you to not put blame (even if they are to blame for being in this situation) and focus on your FACTS.
While it’s essential to address past issues, try to keep your conversations focused on creating a better future for both of you involved, especially if there are children in the picture.
The language a narcissist uses on you, and what it likely means:
“I Love You”= I want to control you.
“You’re Stupid”= I know you’re more intelligent than me.
“You’re Ugly/Fat, and Nobody Will Want You”= You’re beautiful and I feel threatened.
“You’re Cheating on Me”= I’m Cheating.
When a narcissistic spouse uses this language with you, or when you have to have the hard conversation about separation, some statements you can use that allow you to regain your power include:
” Thanks for sharing how you feel. Unless you are ready to discuss____, I won’t be continuing this conversation right now.”
“I’m not comfortable being spoken to in that way. We can talk about this another time, but I’m leaving now.”
“It sounds like you feel very strongly about that, but my emotions are valid also.”
Divorce is a life-altering decision, and having these hard conversations is an integral part of the process. While it’s undoubtedly challenging, these discussions can ultimately lead to a more amicable, timely, and cost-effective separation. By approaching these conversations using their pain points and keeping your responses facts-based and non-emotional, you will find that you can regain your power, navigate the difficult path of divorce, and pave the way for a more promising future for both parties involved.
From here on out, you control your choices and responses, so find your voice, find their pain points and REGAIN YOUR POWER!
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